Wednesday, June 23, 2010

"Oh anxiety...

You're mine all the time..." Those lyrics are from The Never, a local band that we love (and can you guys put out some new music soon, please? ok thanks.)

I'm an anxious person. I tend to do some catastrophic thinking. That's when your thoughts run away from you in your mind. It goes a little somethin' like this:

"OMG, I totally have no idea what that professor was talking about in bio class. I mean, does he think I'm like, a biologist or something? Seriously, this isn't Yale. I'm totally going to fail. But I have to pass Bio 11 to be a psychologist don't I??? OMG. I'm never going to be a psychologist. I'm going to flunk out of college, and I'll end up living on the street and I'll be homeless and pan handleing illegally and addicted to crack and meth and like, I don't know, whatever other drugs are out there, and I'll be telling all the college students who walk by me that I used to be one of them and now JUST LOOK AT ME!!!!!!!!!!" (This is pretty accurate of an actual freakout I had freshman year, although perhaps this recap is not quite as dramatic.)

That's catastrophic thinking. I might have done a smidge of it yesterday on the day of our engagement pictures.

First, I worried about the temperature (which I had been worrying about ever since the first really hot day in NC this year). Then I worried about the light. I worried about whether we'd be natural/romantic/interesting/pretty/handsome enough. I worried about whether my teeth (freed from braces only six months ago) would look straight and white enough. Were my arms too bony (yes). Was the green tank top highlighting the pudge around my middle (yes). Were my hands too veiny (yes). Could I do anything about this? NO. Well, except try on a million outfits and finally pick one that did not make my middle look pudgey - the orange shirt may make me look like I'm trying to hide a baby bump though. Should be awesome for the save the dates!

During the actual engagement shoot, I primarily thought "Are these pictures turning out well?" and "Is my bra showing?" and "OMG, I bet my pores look huge" and "These are going to be the sweatiest photos ever, I just know it." There was a lot of nervous laughing, on my part.
Good Lord, I am a worrying mess!

But today, I realized several things. Several very important things.

1. We have awesome photographers. I'm sure they were able to get enough good shots of us. And even if not, it is NOT the end of the world. Far far from it.

2. The whole experience probably would have been a lot better if I was not so freaked out about taking good photos and really just focused on enjoying the time there with Mr. PB. A LOT better. And probably would have resulted in more natural photos too.

3. Most importantly, I have an AMAZING fiance. Yesterday, he was calm and cool and chillaxin'. I figured he would be uptight and irritable for me making him be in the hot hot heat, and asking him to smile and look natural while having two photogs snapping away at him...but he was NOT. He was great, and even though I could tell he was kind of nervous (hello, we both were!), he really made an effort and I know he was mostly doing it because he knows how important it is to me. And the two of us and our relationship is the most important thing.

So I've learned an important lesson, one that I hope I can carry with me through the rest of this planning, and keep forefront in my mind on our wedding day. The most important thing is US. The rest, well, it's just details.

Oh, and some anti-anxiety meds might be in order.

Learn any lessons the hard way?

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