Sunday, February 20, 2011

Change the Voices Inside Your Head

It has taken me a long time to figure out how to write this post. Originally, I titled it "Do I look like an Ugly Troll?" and talked all about my insecurities from my appearance and how when I am feeling ugly or icky, I ask others if I resemble this:

Then, I titled it "I'm Too Thin...Kinda" and tried to explain how being too thin is not exactly some magical blessing in disguise, as many assume. It's probably great for supermodels, but not for mere mortals like myself. I was teased and bullied a lot in middle school, where the popular girls would ask me over and over if I was anorexic or bulimic. My mom advised me to reply "Well, being thin is better than being fat!" I tried it one time and the girl, who had just asked how many times I puked a day, burst into tears. She wasn't overweight at all. We all have our issues, I guess.

But now...well, ever since I turned 30 I have gained weight in my thighs, butt, and stomach. I have NO idea how this happened. As someone who has tried unsuccessfully for years to put on pounds, this sudden influx of weight in the wrong places is really freaking me out...not to mention really exaggerating my tiny upper body.  At least my head is proportional, unlike this guy:
I think I was trying to get a bug out of a drink here. Don't ask.
Another title was "I Squint When I Look in the Mirror," because I do, and I have no idea when that started's just something I have done for as long as I recall! My sister pointed it out to me when we were trying on wedding gowns. It's likely because growing up, I was not impressed with my acne and my ears sticking out.
This is why I will be wearing my hair DOWN. 

I hope our children get his ears. They are barely noticeable!

But...I didn't title it any of that. Instead, I chose a line from Pink's cognitive behavioral therapy inspired new song, "F**kin' Perfect." Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) says that our thoughts cause our behaviors and our mood. So, if I am walking around thinking "I look like an ugly troll" then I am going to squint when I look in the mirror and generally feel bad about myself.

We all have these records that we play inside our minds, records that consist of all the recordings of things that have happened to us. My self esteem record is a broken record, skipping all the time, replaying a bunch of cool 8th grade girls talking smack about me, and images of me in 5th grade as a tiny skinny awkward girl.
It's kind of silly that I keep letting this record play over and over and over, since all it does is make me feel like crap. So, I have decided that, as of right now, I will no longer say negative things about myself, or even think negative thoughts. My days of asking if I am "look like an ugly troll" are OVER. If I do say or think something bad about myself, I will immediately re-frame the statement or thought to something positive. I know, despite my outer (and inner) flaws, that I am still a good looking gal and more importantly, a good person.

Breaking records is fun! Especially if you fist pump!

So finally, I will leave you with Pink's new song and some lyrics from it:
You're so mean, when you talk about yourself, you were wrong
Change the voices in your head, make them like you instead
So complicated, look happy, you'll make it!
Filled with so much hatred...such a tired game
It's enough! I've done all I can think of
Chased down all my demons, I've seen you do the same

Oh, pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than f*ckin' perfect
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing
You're f*ckin' perfect to me  

Do you want to break some records with me?

1 comment:

  1. Hellz yea. I like your thinking. I need more positive thinking in my life for sure.

    Go you for recognizing that feelings and moods can stem from certain thoughts and doing something to change it!