Ennui

Sigh. I have ennui. What is ennui, you ask? It's like depression but French, so it's much cooler. See?

 Gilmore Girls version of ennui via YouTube

I feel like every commercial for anti depressants ever created. There's the one about feeling like you need to wind it up, not like Gwen Stefani, more like this:

Image via Pristiq

I feel like this too. Sometimes I'm like "OMG, if I just get a venti soy cinnamon dolce latte with whipped cream from Starbucks and chug it really fast, maybe it will jolt me into normal-ness again." Doesn't work, but it's yummy.

Then there's the one that goes "Who does depression hurt? and "Where does depression hurt?" Oh, ok, just watch it.

Cymbalta commercial via YouTube

This is one of my favorites. When I see it on television, I yell out the answers like I'm a really smart cheerleader. "Who does depression hurt? "EVERYONE!!!!!" "Where does depression hurt?" "EVERYWHERE!!!!" You've got to throw your arms up like a fist pump but add spirit fingers for the full effect. It's really funny to me. But the fact is, my depression ennui is making me physically sore. Stupid ennui.

The absolute cutest depression drug commercial ever has to be the Zoloft dude. I mean, he's so sad and can not even find the energy to enjoy the sunshine and butterflies. Poor little, um, round thing.

Zoloft rock from DoozyWhoop

This is true for me too, and I'm kinda pissed about it. I mean, what the hell, everyone knows you're supposed to have ennui in the stupid cold dark winter, not in the fun sunny summer.

SIGH.

Ok, so you're probably wondering what made me catch the ennui. Well, it's mostly just...there. In fact, it is one of my BIGGEST pet peeves when people say "Why are you so depressed?" I just want to punch them in the face and say "Because I have a *&^%$#@ chemical imbalance, #$%^&*^! What's your excuse for being such an insensitive douchebag?"

I forgot to mention that my ennui makes me irritable too.

I think my own personal ennui is with me all the time, sometimes tucked away in a tiny box and sometimes filling my entire mind and body with really heavy fuzz that weighs me down, makes me tired, and muddles my mind. But, I guess I can kinda see why people ask "Why?" since rough situations can highlight the depression or ennui. Like, changing jobs, which I just did. It's pretty stressful and is taking up a lot of my mental, physical, and emotional energy. In turn, I have a hard time devoting that energy to other things, like laundry or wedding planning. Then the house gets messier and the wedding list grows larger, not smaller, and I feel anxious. It's a freaking vicious cycle. Of doom. And despair. Just to be dramatic.

You know what my other big peeve is? When people say, excitedly, as if to quickly and easily just cheer me up "But you have so many fun things coming up! You're getting married soon!!! You should be happy! This is the happiest time of your life!!!!"

Seriously? That's their big plan to cheer me up? Do they think by reminding me that this should be a really happy time and I'm feeling miserable, that's going to make me feel better? I am perfectly aware that I should be skipping down the sidewalk with a twinkle in my eye on the way to scope out flowers and doilies and crap. Do they think I'm choosing to be miserable? Do they think I don't desperately wish I was super happy allllllllllll the time? Especially now, during what is supposed to be the happiest time of my life?

Of course I wish that, and I am trying to get to that elusive happy place, as I have tried many times before. I know all the tips:  take medicine, exercise, see a therapist, get enough sleep. Drink wine. Eat french fries. Listen to dance music. I'm not like, throwing myself off a cliff or anything...this is not a cry for help. It's just recognition that people can be depressed during happy times and for seemingly no reason, and it sucks.

Like wedding planning, and the wedding day itself, this ennui, too, shall pass. Until then I'll be eating fries, walking in the sunshine, and giving the evil eye to anyone who asks me "why" I'm depressed.