Post-Wedding Feelings

Let me tell you something.

 Being married is awesome. But post wedding emotions are so confusing!

Like Mrs. Panther wrote about recently, I am having a lot of post-wedding feelings. Like, a LOT. And they are all jumbled up and are making me feel really confused and emotional and disorganized and stressed and happy.

First off, I think, like many of you who posted on Mrs. Panther's posts, I just feel a bit of a void where wedding planning was. At least if everything else sucked, like laundry and work, I could immerse myself in some wedding craft and imagine our Big Day. And when things in other areas slacked, I told myself "After the wedding, I'll tackle that." Well, now it's after the wedding, and there's a long, scary list of things that need to be dealt with but nothing to really daydream about, and frankly, it sucks. Like, literally is sucking the life out of me. Like a dementor.

 Image via Twenteen Something

I'm also in this weird place where I get so happy when I look at pictures our friends have taken, but get really sad and disappointed and annoyed at certain things that did NOT happen. For instance, these ugly chairs which were supposed to be hidden away were in plain sight when people pulled up to our venue and while we were all walking out of the barn for the ceremony. Not cool.

 Seriously? What is all that crap in the background????

Plus most of the poms I worked so hard on were not even displayed! Is this lack of follow through on someone else's part, or lack of communication on mine? I'm not sure...probably a combination. And yes, I KNOW these are tiny details but they are sticking in my brain and will not go away.

But...being married is so much better. I thought it would feel the same. I mean, Mr. M and I have been together for a bazillion years already. We've lived together for years. What could change?

It feels like it did change though, and in a really good, awesome, surprising way. I think we really are in the honeymoon phase. We're more careful with each other...we're kinder with each other...we've become a strong team that is working together. You know, in the whole twelve days we've been married.

But...that whole team approach mentality has also caused a lot of stress on me, because I am still in the "starting my own business" phase and am really feeling a lot of financial strain, especially after all those wedding costs. I'm worried I'm not contributing enough financially, or that I spent too much on the wedding. I'm freaked out that we're never gonna be able to have kids because we just can't afford them. Plus I want to go on another honeymoon already!

Then I feel guilty, for feeling like this after we had such a  beautiful wedding and now I'm married to an awesome guy. Shouldn't I be totally blissed out?

Too many feelings. Can you relate?

I'm So Over This

Alternate Title: "Why Are We Having a Wedding Again?"

Or, "Man, I'm Tired"

So, I'm kinda over all this wedding stuff. I mean, yes, I am excited to marry Mr. M and be his wife and all that. And, I'm excited to see all our friends and family. And I'm most excited to wear my pretty dress. Just kidding...not really.

But, I'm soooooooooooooo tireddddddddddd of making decisiooooooonnnnnnnnnnns [that's my whiny voice]. Like, for instance, what to name our tables. We could number them...or we could name them after cat breeds...or we could name them after Harry Potter things (like the Shrieking Shack and the Whomping Willow, and wouldn't it be fun to put people at the Slytherin table???)...or we could name them after trees, since we sorta have this tree theme going...sort of.

 The Whomping Willow via Harry Potter Lexicon

The Whomping Willow is a tree! OMG, also, I feel like I have ADHD all the time, and like I'm hopped up on meth too, not that I actually know what meth is like, but I can imagine. In my mind it's like "buttons, seating chart, hair, make up, rain, rain, tent, freaking tent, coffee, fall, leaves..." and on and on and on all freaking day and night long.

Ahem.

And then, favors. I mean, honestly, does anyone coming to my wedding really want a favor? I would be fine if I never, ever got a favor at a wedding again for as long as I live, to be honest. I mean, they are cute and all, but really...no one cares. Right? Or do people talk smack about you if you don't have a favor? "OMG, I can't believe the Magics had cake, brownies, and s'mores, but couldn't even be bothered to get their guests a freaking favor!"

Also, I can already tell the seating chart is gonna be a freaking disaster. Has anyone ever assigned seats totally and completely randomly? Or, like, completely for your own amusement? Like, seating exes next to each other "on accident," or assigning those family members at war the same table? I'm just kidding, I would never do that.

I'm also not exactly sure why other stuff is still going on. For instance, work. Laundry. Tropical storms. I don't have tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiime [whiny voice] for this mess. I need to make some lists and then not actually get anything done on the lists.

I swear I'll be into it again in a day or two, but right now I am so FREAKING over it. Have you ever felt over it?

Ennui

Sigh. I have ennui. What is ennui, you ask? It's like depression but French, so it's much cooler. See?

 Gilmore Girls version of ennui via YouTube

I feel like every commercial for anti depressants ever created. There's the one about feeling like you need to wind it up, not like Gwen Stefani, more like this:

Image via Pristiq

I feel like this too. Sometimes I'm like "OMG, if I just get a venti soy cinnamon dolce latte with whipped cream from Starbucks and chug it really fast, maybe it will jolt me into normal-ness again." Doesn't work, but it's yummy.

Then there's the one that goes "Who does depression hurt? and "Where does depression hurt?" Oh, ok, just watch it.

Cymbalta commercial via YouTube

This is one of my favorites. When I see it on television, I yell out the answers like I'm a really smart cheerleader. "Who does depression hurt? "EVERYONE!!!!!" "Where does depression hurt?" "EVERYWHERE!!!!" You've got to throw your arms up like a fist pump but add spirit fingers for the full effect. It's really funny to me. But the fact is, my depression ennui is making me physically sore. Stupid ennui.

The absolute cutest depression drug commercial ever has to be the Zoloft dude. I mean, he's so sad and can not even find the energy to enjoy the sunshine and butterflies. Poor little, um, round thing.

Zoloft rock from DoozyWhoop

This is true for me too, and I'm kinda pissed about it. I mean, what the hell, everyone knows you're supposed to have ennui in the stupid cold dark winter, not in the fun sunny summer.

SIGH.

Ok, so you're probably wondering what made me catch the ennui. Well, it's mostly just...there. In fact, it is one of my BIGGEST pet peeves when people say "Why are you so depressed?" I just want to punch them in the face and say "Because I have a *&^%$#@ chemical imbalance, #$%^&*^! What's your excuse for being such an insensitive douchebag?"

I forgot to mention that my ennui makes me irritable too.

I think my own personal ennui is with me all the time, sometimes tucked away in a tiny box and sometimes filling my entire mind and body with really heavy fuzz that weighs me down, makes me tired, and muddles my mind. But, I guess I can kinda see why people ask "Why?" since rough situations can highlight the depression or ennui. Like, changing jobs, which I just did. It's pretty stressful and is taking up a lot of my mental, physical, and emotional energy. In turn, I have a hard time devoting that energy to other things, like laundry or wedding planning. Then the house gets messier and the wedding list grows larger, not smaller, and I feel anxious. It's a freaking vicious cycle. Of doom. And despair. Just to be dramatic.

You know what my other big peeve is? When people say, excitedly, as if to quickly and easily just cheer me up "But you have so many fun things coming up! You're getting married soon!!! You should be happy! This is the happiest time of your life!!!!"

Seriously? That's their big plan to cheer me up? Do they think by reminding me that this should be a really happy time and I'm feeling miserable, that's going to make me feel better? I am perfectly aware that I should be skipping down the sidewalk with a twinkle in my eye on the way to scope out flowers and doilies and crap. Do they think I'm choosing to be miserable? Do they think I don't desperately wish I was super happy allllllllllll the time? Especially now, during what is supposed to be the happiest time of my life?

Of course I wish that, and I am trying to get to that elusive happy place, as I have tried many times before. I know all the tips:  take medicine, exercise, see a therapist, get enough sleep. Drink wine. Eat french fries. Listen to dance music. I'm not like, throwing myself off a cliff or anything...this is not a cry for help. It's just recognition that people can be depressed during happy times and for seemingly no reason, and it sucks.

Like wedding planning, and the wedding day itself, this ennui, too, shall pass. Until then I'll be eating fries, walking in the sunshine, and giving the evil eye to anyone who asks me "why" I'm depressed.

First World Problems

My first world problem? Making wedding decisions. I know. Poor me.

There are a lot of decisions that go into wedding planning, and I am generally an inconsistent decision maker. I either make my decisions impulsively and split-secondy, or...well, I don't make them at all. This is actually why I don't eat cereal, because the damn cereal aisle in the grocery store is so freaking overwhelming and anxiety producing and has too many choices. Plus, I don't like cereal.

Image form Farm Aid

I have had a lot of unsolicited well-meaning advice given to me about making wedding decisions and frankly, I have found none of it helpful.

One person told me the rule is to spend no more than five minutes on any wedding decision. What the hell, yo! FIVE MINUTES??? How about five days/weeks/months??? It takes me fifteen minutes just to pick out what shade of polish to have the manicurist paint on my nails!

Someone else suggested I choose the aspects of the wedding that are most important to me. That makes sense for someone who has priorities, I guess, but everything is important to me.

Oprah Magazine recently suggested, in Seven Steps to Making Better Decisions by Catherine Price, that I stop trying to find The Best of whatever it is I am looking for. But what the hell does Oprah know, anyway? (Just kidding, Oprah, I love you!) I mean, it is ingrained in my heart and soul to hunt for the best, the greatest deal, the most original, the highest quality. And, of course, the entire wedding industry perpetuates this idea to have The Best. I mean, you only get married once, right? [Ok, well, that's true for maybe 50% of us anyway!] And isn't that one day, deemed The Big Day, supposed to also be The Best Day of Our Lives? So wouldn't it follow that to make that day TBDOOL, we will need to have it look like a styled non-real wedding wedding shoot from Style Me Pretty, be ridiculously in love with OOAO (Our One and Only), and look ABAWWEB (As Beautiful As We Will Ever Be)?

There's a lot of decisions that go into making all those acronyms come true, y'all.

Recently I was seriously paralyzed with indecision about napkins. Yes, napkins...you know, the cloth or paper squares that one uses to wipe food bits from one's hands and mouth. I didn't like any of the colors the napkins came in at our rental place, and then I thought about sewing them myself (despite the advice of many, many bees before me - told you, I don't listen), but then I wasn't sure what fabric to use. A print, a solid, one fabric or multiple fabrics? I internally went back and forth and back and forth for days. And while I was going back and forth, and mentally rearranging napkins and centerpieces in my mind, I realized that I was being sorta ridiculous.

Who cares about napkins, really? I mean, especially when there are real problems in the world. Like, earthquakes, tsunamis, and tornadoes...hunger, disease, and poverty. And not just in far away places. Just last week, at least 28 tornadoes hit North Carolina, leaving a wake of destruction and killing 24 people.

Image from Property Casualty 360˚

Should I be worrying about making the prefect decisions to have the most perfect napkins while in the county over, peoples' homes have been destroyed?

The problem is, on the one hand, I really do care about napkins and other seemingly small details - I enjoy creating such things, and really want our wedding to feel individualized and fun. On the other hand, I [sometimes] think it is ridiculous that I bother with such small details and [often] feel guilty for spending mental time and actual time worrying about these trivial notions and decisions, when I could be focusing on actual problems.

 

Image from Josh Dilworth

Miss Prairie Dog talked about bridal guilt as well, but I'm just wondering...do you experience bridal guilt because of your first world problems, and if so, how do you cope with it?

"Oh anxiety...

You're mine all the time..." Those lyrics are from The Never, a local band that we love (and can you guys put out some new music soon, please? ok thanks.)



I'm an anxious person. I tend to do some catastrophic thinking. That's when your thoughts run away from you in your mind. It goes a little somethin' like this:

"OMG, I totally have no idea what that professor was talking about in bio class. I mean, does he think I'm like, a biologist or something? Seriously, this isn't Yale. I'm totally going to fail. But I have to pass Bio 11 to be a psychologist don't I??? OMG. I'm never going to be a psychologist. I'm going to flunk out of college, and I'll end up living on the street and I'll be homeless and pan handleing illegally and addicted to crack and meth and like, I don't know, whatever other drugs are out there, and I'll be telling all the college students who walk by me that I used to be one of them and now JUST LOOK AT ME!!!!!!!!!!" (This is pretty accurate of an actual freakout I had freshman year, although perhaps this recap is not quite as dramatic.)

That's catastrophic thinking. I might have done a smidge of it yesterday on the day of our engagement pictures.

First, I worried about the temperature (which I had been worrying about ever since the first really hot day in NC this year). Then I worried about the light. I worried about whether we'd be natural/romantic/interesting/pretty/handsome enough. I worried about whether my teeth (freed from braces only six months ago) would look straight and white enough. Were my arms too bony (yes). Was the green tank top highlighting the pudge around my middle (yes). Were my hands too veiny (yes). Could I do anything about this? NO. Well, except try on a million outfits and finally pick one that did not make my middle look pudgey - the orange shirt may make me look like I'm trying to hide a baby bump though. Should be awesome for the save the dates!

During the actual engagement shoot, I primarily thought "Are these pictures turning out well?" and "Is my bra showing?" and "OMG, I bet my pores look huge" and "These are going to be the sweatiest photos ever, I just know it." There was a lot of nervous laughing, on my part.
Good Lord, I am a worrying mess!

But today, I realized several things. Several very important things.

1. We have awesome photographers. I'm sure they were able to get enough good shots of us. And even if not, it is NOT the end of the world. Far far from it.

2. The whole experience probably would have been a lot better if I was not so freaked out about taking good photos and really just focused on enjoying the time there with Mr. PB. A LOT better. And probably would have resulted in more natural photos too.

3. Most importantly, I have an AMAZING fiance. Yesterday, he was calm and cool and chillaxin'. I figured he would be uptight and irritable for me making him be in the hot hot heat, and asking him to smile and look natural while having two photogs snapping away at him...but he was NOT. He was great, and even though I could tell he was kind of nervous (hello, we both were!), he really made an effort and I know he was mostly doing it because he knows how important it is to me. And the two of us and our relationship is the most important thing.

So I've learned an important lesson, one that I hope I can carry with me through the rest of this planning, and keep forefront in my mind on our wedding day. The most important thing is US. The rest, well, it's just details.

Oh, and some anti-anxiety meds might be in order.

Learn any lessons the hard way?

I'm a freakin GENIUS!!! (NOT.)

Or an alternate title could be...How This Bride FAILED in E-pic Planning.

What's going on, you ask in alarm? Well, I'll tell you....

I scheduled our e-pics for June 22 at 5:30pm - you know, to capture that awesome sunset style that's so pretty - like this!

samoancuban photography
They are our awesome photographers too!

The reason I scheduled our e-pics for June 22 (aka tomorrow! eek!) is because our awesome photographers are based in Baltimore, MD...but they are currently vacationing in Wilmington, NC...which is 2.5 hours from where me and MR PB are! So it's more convenient this way, and travel fees are less.

But...

June 21st is the summer solstice, which is the longest day of the year. That means the sunset is much later in the day. Like, 9pm. Timing FAIL.

Also...

It's freaking hot outside. As my father and I like to say, it is, in fact, "hotter than a nanny goat in a pepper patch." It's wayyyyyyyyyyyy hotter than normal, and tomorrow is going to be a high of 95 freaking degrees. Add some lovely North Cackalacky humidity in there, and you have one giant TEMPERATURE FAIL.

Timing Fail + Temperature Fail + Our awesome photographers....could this still = really awesome pics of me and Mr. PB????

Did you have a time where you FAILed to consider the temperature or timing of something in planning for your wedding?

Freak Out! Il n'est pas chic.

This particular freak out, il n'est pas chic. Or whatever. It's not chic. It's pedestrian and common...oh SO common, especially for this bride. It's a financial freak out.

I was already stressed earlier this week about finances...my bank account was sitting low, and I was worrying about paying for a recent big wedding purchase (more about that later), unexpected expenses for an impromptu work trip to Ireland, home owner expenses (new water heater needed! also, the barren wasteland we refer to as "our yard" needs some work), as well as my trip to Paris in July.

Let's take an aside here to acknowledge the reality of the situation. Yes, I am going to Ireland AND Paris. Granted, in Ireland I likely won't have much fun since it's for work and they are pretty much slave drivers, but in France I will. And yes, I'm getting married. And aren't we lucky that we can afford to buy a new water heater instead of just, you know, filling up barrels with rain water? I mean, what's the worst thing that can realistically happen? I bounce a couple of checks. No biggie in the real scheme of life.

Yes indeedy. I was rolling with that really optimistic train of thought until I got a letter from the IRS. This is how that went down:

Me: OOOHHHH! A letter from the IRS! I bet it's the $450 I overpaid this year on accident.
Mr. PB: Um, maybe you should let me open that.
Me: Why?
Mr. PB: What if it's something bad? You're about to go to dinner and it might ruin your whole night.
Me: No, it's my check. [Open letter. Read how I owe $2500 from 2008. Cry. Cuss.] [I may have stamped my foot too.]

Mr. PB encouraged me to go to dinner, have some drinks, forget about it until Monday and then I can call and find out WTF is going on. He was very calm and comforting, and even gave me a rose from our monstrous rosebush.

I wanted to get into bed, sleep for six hours, wake up and eat a box of Velveeta shells and cheese, and then sleep for twelve more hours. But instead, I've cried about it three times but I have NOT exploded about it (previous unacceptable behavior that I am working to eradicate) and I am just relaxing and working on a plan to get in a comfortable financial place. This is always a struggle but at least not as tough now as it is in the past. Hopefully no more unexpected expenses will arise in the next few months.

How do you stay calm when dealing with finances? Do you hate the IRS as much as I do? :-)